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11% of respondents moan that they're "single and miserable!" 26% brag that they're "single and content!" 15% say they're "going steady," while 18% claim they're "married and content!" However, a whopping 28% whine that they're "married and miserable!" That means that 28% of these miserable married people are ready to have sex with the 11% who are single and miserable! Members of the Security Council: This will hereafter be referred to as "exhibit A." In last year's Mercury Sex Survey, when asked what exactly constituted "sex" and what didn't, readers were quick to include "handjobs." OH, WHAT A DIFFERENCE A YEAR MAKES! DEFINE SEX Vaginal intercourse: 94% agree "that's sex." Anal intercourse: 77% agree "that's sex." Oral intercourse: 59% agree "that's sex." Giving handjobs: Only 43% agree "that's sex." Dry humping: Only 19% agree "that's sex." Ejaculating on someone's face (a "facial"): Only 19% agree "that's sex." Members of the Security Council: If only 43% agree that a handjob equals "sex," as opposed to the 50% who thought it was "sex" last year doesn't this mean Portland's sexual morals are loosening? And since when is "ejaculating on someone's face" NOT sex? This only adds to the government's case that Portlanders are in deep denial about their sexual proclivities and are probably walking around with very sticky faces, indeed! By the way, the average Portlander claims to have had sexual relations with, on average, 8 to 10 different partners over their lifetime. Naturally, these do not include the teeming hordes of strangers whose faces are currently covered with ejaculate. According to some pop psychologists, the reason Portlanders are so horny is that they were "touched sexually" at a very young age.

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